1MC Announcement: To the crew of USS Boner. This is a ship-wide proprietary transmission for the crew USS John H. Boner only. I need a favor. You remember that missing Ensign, Ensign T’Les from USS Crazy Horse? They were the ship parked next to us at Starbase 187? Here’s the thing….I may have slept with her. OH….It happens! One night you’re hanging out at the bar having a couple of drinks with her next minute you’re soooooooooooooooooooooo spacehorny that hey you’re hooking up….I mean who hasn’t done that?!! And man I’ll tell you she might be an uptight officer but give her a few Vodka Tonics (it’s an old pre 22nd century drink) and bam! She is a vixen in the bedroom and will do anything to please her mate!! But anyways here’s the thing she may have gone crazy and is hiding somewhere in the Boner. She seems obsessed with dressing me up as woman and engaging in zero gravity buttplay on me! And you know I’m not into that! So thanks to my newly installed transporter pad under the right side of my bed…I beamed her out of my room! Where’d she go? Hell if I know but I think she’s somewhere on this ship…I noticed last night when I walked in my quarters my used socks were out of the hamper like she was smelling it…I know she would’ve sniffed my underwear but I don’t wear any (hint hint any ladies out there?:)) and MY ZEBRA STRIPED BLANKED WAS CUT INTO STRIPS AND IT SPELLED OUT I LOVE YOU MARRY ME! WTF?! So if you see this woman….
Ensign T'Les aka Ulgy Face
Please do me a really really really really big fave if you see her do not hesistate and set phaser to MAKE HER NOT ALIVE ANYMORE or let me know her location. Again I’m sorry to put you guys in a bind and I’m sorry for not telling you guys this earlier…I mean if you slept with someone this ugly wouldn’t you want to keep it a secret…mine just got out of hand. I mean look at her! UGLY! She’s got rigamortis like skin all pale and such..her lips are purple like…and she’s just a total crazy machine! I MEAN LOOK AT HER EYES! Yeah sure 8 Vodka Tonics in she looks like a superspacemodel but when you wake up next to that busted face! YIKES! Procreating an offspring like her was not logical! So once again if we can keep this underwraps I would appreciate it…and remember I will not forget and also…lets try not to involve Captain Not-Patrick-Stewart.
Sincerely,
LDCR Tug Johnson
Rumor has it that Ensign T’Les aka Sour Faced B was last seen the Holodeck with Mr.Data. He was dressed as Holmes and she was dressed as the carpet muncher from Scooby Doo. They were trying to solve the mystery , how come my face is sticky when I woke up this morning?
Commander Johnson, I fear one day your shenanigans will compromise this ship and the safety of everyone on board!
Furthermore. I do not completely believe that she “went crazy.” All too often guys say that as an easy way out when they are not man enough to break things off. All of this story is a desperate cry for help. I recommend you see the ship’s counselor at once.
It’s not a cry for help! It’s a moan for pleasure. I did see the ship’s counselor but she had trouble resisting my oriental charms. I must tackle this demon I have screaming to bust out of me. And if I have to go thru a million women so be it!